I recently talked to a number of divorced men that had initiated their divorces and I asked them to tell me what their ex-wives could have done to prevent the end of their marriages.
___Most of these men had several reasons for divorcing their wives, but I chose only one reason per man to present to you because the massive amounts of their bullshit were making me sick and I didn’t want to pass that on.
___I just know that all of you divorced women out there would really like to know what you could have done to keep your husband happy and married to you. Right?
___Here’s some of what these gallant ex-husbands had to say about why they wanted out of their marriages...
___Oh, I’ve also spoken to the wives of these men and for your reading pleasure, their comments are in italics...
___“When Leah and I were dating, she could replace a tire, get her oil changed and put gas in her car. After we got married, I had to do all of these things for her. After a few years, this kind of pissed me off so I divorced her.”
___“Hey ass-hat, I never did any of that stuff. I had five brothers and a dad that did those things for me.”
___“Diane had a full-time job when we got married. I still have a full-time job, why doesn’t she?”
___“Rob, I still have a full-time job too...raising our five kids. FIVE kids that you wanted but didn’t want to take care of once you realized that they are a lot of work!”
___“In the beginning of our marriage, Carol and I shared all of our expenses fifty-fifty. Then, all of a sudden, I had to pay for everything. Why?”
___“Tom, you never were able to understand that they don’t pay professional ballerinas when they are pregnant with twins. Use a condom with your new wife if this pisses you off.
___You know, I’m pretty sure that professional strippers have the same maternity benefits as professional ballerinas do, so be careful with that tiny dick of yours or once again, you’ll end up paying for everything.”
___“Look, I love my kids, but they are mostly unruly and disruptive, and I need my peace and quiet. Why couldn’t Maria do something about this? It absolutely ruined our marriage, so I had to leave. You know, when I was a kid, my mother was able to keep all of us under control...”
___“Michael, your mother was a psycho bitch and all you kids were terrified of her. I thought we discussed this and decided that we were raising our children differently...”
___“The first few years that we were married, Maggie did all the housework in just a thong and high heels. Then one day, I don’t know, something happened, and she started doing all the housework in jeans and a T-shirt. Clearly, she didn’t love me anymore, so I divorced her.”
___“Hey dumb-fuck, you want to know what happened? Your mother came to visit us and then never left. I don’t clean house partially naked for a mother/son audience. The two of you are a fucking freakshow!”
___“After just twenty years of marriage, Rita began to look like her mother. If I had wanted to marry Rita’s mother, I would have.”
___“Hey Sal, you WISH you could have married my mother! I may be older now but at least I don’t look like the fucking Crypt Keeper! Did you ever bother to get your new dentures? I didn’t think so.”
___“When we were dating, Vanessa did anal, but after a year or two of marriage she started acting as if she had a virgin asshole that was protected by the Vatican.”
___“Allen, you need a stiff dick to break into someone’s asshole. After you gained all that weight, you had to go on blood pressure meds and from then on, the best we could do was to fold your penis up and stuff it into my vagina.”
___“Before we got married, Barbara loved to suck my dick. After a few years she avoided this marital duty like she’d get the fucking plague if her lips even touched me there.”
___“Steven, when we were dating you showered before we had sex. After our marriage, you hardly showered at all.”
___“Every month when Jennifer got her period, our house became a looney bin. I couldn’t take it anymore. Why can’t you ladies do something about the moods and the mess that come with your monthly cycles? I’m sure if you could learn to control this, it would save a lot of your marriages.”
___“Ted, drop dead already. I live for the day that a weird solar flare hits earth and causes men to menstruate through their penises. Please God...just for one month do this for me and all the millions of women on earth. Please?”
___“I don’t know, when Tara and I were first together she loved my mom. Then she hated her and it put a real strain on our marriage, so I had to get a divorce. My new wife really gets along with my mom. Everyone is happy now.”
___“Walter, everyone is happy now because you finally put your senile, shits-in-her-pants, hateful mother in a nursing home. Your NEW wife doesn’t have to LIVE with her. She gets to VISIT her mother-in-law every other Sunday for an hour and then get on with her life. Fuck you Walter.”
___“I divorced Maureen because she cheated on me. She had an affair with the guy that I played tennis with. How could I stay married to her after that kind of betrayal?”
___“Mark, you are a big, fat fucking liar. YOU wanted an open marriage and were dating several women for well over a year before you introduced me to Dennis. God I’m so glad to be rid of you."
Aren’t we all glad to be rid of them?