__Ever since kindergarten, those whose job it is to make educational distinctions, would insist that I was smarter than the average bear. This statement used to confuse me because I was certain that math skills are important to humans and I was also very certain that the part of my brain that was supposed to play well with numbers was seriously damaged by the forceps that were used when the Doctor / Real Estate Broker / Mafia Don yanked me from my hysterical mother’s vagina in the spring of 1960.
___Because of my advanced reading and reasoning skills, I was initially scheduled to be in all honors classes in high school, but since I have always had trouble with math, I asked my father to make arrangements for me to take regular math classes when I got to the main building in my sophomore year.
___I was hoping that this change would help me avoid a panic attack the minute a math teacher told me to “show my work.” I could always figure out what x equaled, but how I knew this was a type of magic that I could not explain to myself, much less show to others. I didn't even know what the word show meant here. I mean, the answer was the answer...what more did they want from me?
___Although I did feel less anxiety regarding math while being in the regular math classes, I was definitely in a foreign land socially once the door shut behind me. By my senior year I knew all the kids in the honors classes and trust me when I say that with the exception of about five of us that didn't quite fit the brainy stereotype, the honors kids tended to be extremely introverted pale waifs with various styles of frizzy brown hair, large eyeglasses and the refined manners of the British Gentry. These were the kinds of people that I was comfortable with because they didn't do shit like this...
___One afternoon about mid-year, I was taking a quiz in my “regular” math class when all hell broke loose.
___Our first indication that something was wrong was a single shriek, seemingly from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. This was followed by someone screaming, “You fuck-ing bitch, I’m gon-na kill youuuuu...”
___Since the F-word had been used, everyone froze and then watched in horror as the two largest girls in the class stood up and threw their desks against the chalkboard so there would be a clear space to brawl in the middle of the room.
___Tanya and Darlene quickly locked on to one another and started pulling hair and slapping each other while they rotated in a slow, deliberate circle. If the two of them had been wearing less clothing they would have looked like blonde sumo wrestlers.
___Some kids were laughing, some kids were cheering, and some kids were yelling at our teacher to do something to make this stop immediately.
___Mr. May was our math teacher and he weighed about a hundred pounds soaking wet and obviously knew he was no match for a quarter ton of Canaryville’s finest young ladies, so clearly in a mental panic, he decided to crawl up on a desk and take a flying leap onto the back of one of the two future roller derby queens now fighting in his classroom. When Mr. May landed on Tanya, she flicked him over her shoulder like he was a gnat and when he fell headfirst in the middle of the two ferociously dueling stepsisters, everyone in the classroom started screaming. Even the guys.
___Watching a couple of two hundred and fifty-pound girls tear each other’s clothes off is one thing, but it’s quite another to see a puny teacher stomped to death in his classroom by two very large, now partially naked teens.
___With the help of a few members of the football team that happened to be in our class, Mr. May escaped being crushed to death and although breathing heavily and quite shaken, he managed to somewhat compose himself and when Darlene, who was the eldest daughter of the original Canaryville wife in this family drama came around again, Mr. May leapt onto her back and he immediately started to slide off. Not knowing what else to do, he grabbed her bra straps in an attempt to hang on but that did nothing but pull her tits up to where they should’ve been in the first place and he continued to slide down her body, eventually resting on her ample ass shelf. When he tried to wrap his legs around her waist, Darlene threw her head back and roared like Godzilla. At that moment, Mr. May, realizing that he needed serious help, screamed at Richard, the class troublemaker, to go to the principal’s office.
___Richard bolted out of his chair, which, for a better view, he had placed on top of Mr. May’s desk and asked, “Why do I have to go to the office? I didn’t do anything.”
___Gasping and still hanging on to Darlene’s bra straps, Mr. May yelled, “Get me some help!”
___A few minutes later, Richard came back with the seventy-five-year old Vice Principal, Mrs. Hampton, who peeked in the door and whispered, “Oh my” when Tanya hissed at her like a cat and then asked her if she wanted “some of this” while she smacked Darlene again in the face.
___Mrs. Hampton scurried off to call the police, leaving Mr. May on Darlene’s ass shelf hanging on for dear life while Darlene continued to charge around the room like a mechanical bull with a drunken bar patron on its back.
___A few minutes later, Officer Ryan, our school security cop, arrived to try to stop Tanya from slapping Darlene’s head and punching Mr. May in the face. The first thing I noticed was that Officer Ryan’s fly was open and bored by the ongoing melee, I started wondering what the Vice Principal’s call interrupted - blowjob, quickie or shit? The following week when Officer Ryan was transferred to another school I eliminated the shit guess.
___Pretty soon a few teachers arrived to escort the non- combative students out of the room and as we were all walking to the school’s panic room (the gym), we saw a half dozen Chicago Cops in full riot gear running up the stairs.
___Jesus Christ. Talk about overreacting. If only the Cops had had enough sense to throw a few cheeseburgers in between the two Canaryville crazies, everything would have stopped immediately.
___About two minutes after the riot team entered our classroom they emerged with both Tanya and Darlene in handcuffs.
___As the two arresting officers walked Tanya past their captain, she barked, lunged at him and tried to bite his arm. After that, she turned back and yelled out to Darlene, “Bye bitch! I love you!”
___Darlene yelled back, “I love you too, but you're still a whore!” And then, as an afterthought, Darlene cheerily added, “Don’t forget, you’re watchin’ my baby girl on Saturday night so I can go out and have some FU-UN with my man Louie!”
___Tanya threw her head back and shouted, “I won’t forget, I'll be there at seven sharp!”
___The next day, both Darlene and Tanya were back in class painting each other's nails. At lunch time Tanya was braiding Darlene's hair. Both had black eyes.