‘Til Midlife Crisis Do Us Part:
Josie decides that a divorce could be a very good thing.
Not Really a Free Spirit:
Out in public, Josie appears to be a wildly free spirit, but privately she is a
card-carrying member of The Tightly Wound Women’s Society and also serves as the Midwest Regional Director of The Super Organized Freaks of America Club.
Do Some People Change? Do some people completely change over time, or does the day finally come when they decide to show you who they really are?
Josie finally gets a puppy that is not from The Ma Barker & Sons Puppy Mill in
Sorry Ass, Alabama... but alas, the dog has clogged anal glands.
What to Expect When You’re Divorcing:
People act differently when you get a divorce. Josie tells readers what they can expect from family, friends and neighbors.
Could I Actually Be A Single Parent?
Trying to determine the pros and cons of getting a divorce, Josie makes a list of all the things that Greg was responsible for as a parent and compares them to her duties as a parent. This list becomes her key to freedom.
Divorce Lawyers: Josie’s carefully chosen divorce lawyer shows up for court in a neon orange bandage dress and bejeweled rubber flip-flops.
Post-Divorce Guide to Apartment Living: Life advice from Josie...
Try very hard not to ever live in an apartment. The end.
Earthquake? Josie finds out that Greg passed on purchasing $500,000 worth of earthquake insurance for their home because it cost an additional $7.00 per year.
Small Kingdoms: When her daughter gets a job at a small business, Josie recalls all the megalomaniac bosses she’s ever had.
I’m Not Going to Be In Today: The top reasons Josie’s waitresses called off work include these top hits:
“My mom and dad left the country and didn’t tell me.” and
“I had wild sex last night and now it hurts to walk.”
You’re Welcome: Josie’s daughter, after watching a film depicting an abusive stepfather, genuinely thanks her mother for never putting them through that.
Does Your Ex Have a New Girlfriend? Josie shares the twenty-one clues that her ex-husband was indeed dating again.
We Have a Pope:
One of the best things about being divorced is never again having to entertain the peculiar friends of your ex.
The Grill: Josie underestimates the “penis factor” when asking her brother to buy her an outdoor grill as a housewarming gift.
Did You Call Japan? Josie has always hated buying a new car because she refuses to conform to the rules and regulations that the auto industry has set up in favor of themselves.
You’ve Got to Be Kidding: Twenty-five years after they ended their relationship, Josie meets with her long-ago love, James. While having dinner with this legendary figure from their mom’s past, Josie’s children are shocked to learn that James is the exact opposite of their dad in every way.
The Rise of the Don: Josie threatens to follow her daughter to a frat party with polka music blaring from the windows of her car if Abby dares to walk to an off-campus party after midnight in Chicago.
Our Christmases A.D. (After Divorce): Josie and the kids have to fend off a Christmas takeover by Uncle Benny’s fiancée, who is hell bent on ignoring their family’s hundred-year-old traditional Christmas Eve dinner in favor of a quick bucket of chicken and a few fast food cheeseburgers… all while standing around her kitchen island.
Gorillas in the Zoo:
When Josie is pitied by a gorilla because of her ex-husband’s childish behavior,
she realizes that her divorce was best for everyone.
Boogers on the Wall: Was your ex-husband really as bad as you remember? Josie gets to find out when her
ex-husband moves in with her and the kids because of an “illness.”
The Second Mrs. Garrett: Josie reviews the line-up of candidates for Greg’s second wife (also known as her children’s future stepmother).
At Least You’re Not Me: One of Josie’s longtime friends thinks she has the potential to win a Nobel Prize.
Why My Husband May Have Wanted A Divorce: Nine reasons that Greg may have wanted to divorce Josie...
Reason number two: I thought Greg was stupid...
Sundays Are Not Fundays: Josie “Howard Hughes” Garrett hates the way that Sundays “feel” and teaches everyone how to take a private, soothing break from the world.