Congratulations on your recent marriage! We are aware that your new husband has changed his ways for the better and is now a perfect man. We would all like to commend your bravery for taking him in marriage despite all those vicious rumors. We are sure that the two of you will have many exciting and loving years together.
___As a wedding gift and an offering of peace, your new husband’s first wife has agreed to provide you with this personally written User’s Manual that will help guide you through the many difficult, but wonderful years ahead.
___All of us here at The Your Problem Now Club would like to wish you both a very long and very happy marriage. Best of luck to you two adorable newlyweds!
Table of Contents
Greg's Childhood
Greg's Family
Greg's Friends
Greg's Religious Beliefs
Greg's Thoughts on Raising Children
Greg's Physical Health
Greg's Mental Health
Greg's Social Skills
Greg's Personal Hygiene
Greg's Fashion Style / His Ability to Dress Himself
Greg's Food Preferences
Greg's Finances
Greg's Cooking Skills
Greg's Cleaning Skills
Greg's Sexual Skills
Greg's Faults and Addictions
Greg's Retirement Plan
Greg's Childhood
His parents were not  nearly as rich as he would like  everyone  to think. This information is important for you to know, because without it, you will spend a lot of your time wondering why Greg’s multi-millionaire parents shopped at salvage stores in order to purchase damaged canned and boxed goods for discount prices. It will also explain  why they lived in a very modest, three-bedroom bungalow in a working-class Chicago neighborhood.
___There is no evidence whatsoever that any member of Greg’s family ever physically abused him. He usually brings up these imaginary  stories of horror and neglect only when he has done something to make you angry and therefore needs your  forgiveness, which he knows is easier for you to dispense if you feel sorry for him. Don’t fall for this false distraction. Be firm  in holding him accountable  for his actions.
Greg's Family
___Both of his parents have already passed away, so you can, God rest their souls, thank your lucky stars.
___You should know that his brother and his sister are pompous assholes. They have never liked him, and that is just fine because he doesn’t like them either, except for the times when he needed to show off their wealth and fancy homes in order to impress his latest fiancée. (You should know that you were his fourth, post-divorce, fiancée. But hey, you won the Mrs. title, so this really shouldn’t matter.)
___His siblings agreed to be used in the above manner so that they could evaluate his prospective wives to see if they would need to get an order of protection for their children. You can’t really blame his siblings though. I wish that you could have met some of these other one wants to come home to find family pets boiling on the stovetop.
___During your entire marriage, you will probably meet his siblings only a few times, so please don’t worry too much about impressing them or getting on their good side. Greg’s siblings think he is crazy, so you will never be able to win them over, because in their minds, if you’ve married him, they’ll think that you’re crazy too. Don’t let this hurt your feelings. You know you’re not crazy. Let it go.
Greg's Friends
___He doesn’t have any of his own, but don’t worry, your friends will become his friends for the duration of your marriage. Please be assured that if your marriage should end, all of your friends will stay with you. Mine did.
Greg's Religious Beliefs
___Greg was born and raised a Roman Catholic but never practiced the religion as an adult unless one of his children needed to be baptized in the Church and therefore, he had to pretend that he was a good Catholic. For a short time.
___For the last twenty years Greg has bounced from one Born Again Christian Church to the next, most of them on the outer fringe of being a traditional House of God. If you are into his latest church of choice, you will get along fine. If not, wait a few months and he’ll lose interest and be on to some other church, which you might like better.
Greg's Thoughts on Raising Children
___You don’t want to get into this. Let’s just say that it is a blessing that the two of you are too old to have children.
Greg's Physical Health
___Greg is a full-blown, first-class, hypochondriac. He has self-diagnosed himself with several heart attacks, Multiple Sclerosis, Parkinson’s Disease and many, many other life-threatening or debilitating illnesses...
___While at work, he is constantly exaggerating injuries, hoping that he will get some sort of workers’ compensation so that he can stay home and still get paid.
___He also tends to fall off of trucks, so don’t let him get on a flatbed or near a moving van.
___For some reason, he always stubs his little toes. When this happens, he will do “The Curly Shuffle” on the floor while screaming so loudly that you’ll think he’s dying.
___He won’t let you remove his sock to check on the injury for fear that his now “ripped-off toe” will fall out of the sock onto the floor, become contaminated and reduce the ER doctor’s chances of reattaching it to his foot.
___Despite the noise and hysteria, please be assured that his toes have never actually fallen off, so if you can, grab his sock, pull it off and show him that his toe is still attached to his fucking foot. This usually stops the screaming, but unfortunately, not the crying.
___NOTE: If you ever have to call EMS for Greg, be sure to ask for male paramedics as he prefers having strong men carry him around (like Cleopatra did). Try to take a picture of him being loaded into the ambulance because he will ask if you have a photo of this event and you’ll get extra wifey points if he can see himself being carefully placed into the ambulance that you personally called to rescue him.
Greg's Mental Health
___See above. Also add depression.
Greg's Social Skills
___He gets too close to people and invades their personal space. I’ve tried using a hula-hoop in order to train him regarding how close is too close, but it has never worked.
___If I were still married to him, I would try putting a small remote-control vibrator up his ass and when he gets too close to a person’s face, I would activate the vibrator with a remote that I would carry in my purse. Just make sure that Greg knows that you will be doing this. The last thing you need is him tearing off his clothes at your office party while he asks your boss’s wife to dig the “honey bee” out of his ass before it lays eggs.
___Please be aware that your new husband does not know how to end conversations in social situations. This is highly distressing for everyone involved because long after the conversation ends, Greg will just stand there with a weird smile on his face waiting for the other person to continue talking. I’ve seen it get so bad that one time, a man at a retirement party yelled at him, “Hey, Dude, what the hell is the matter with you?” Sadly, this is a true story and you will always have to be on the alert for this kind of situation so that you can quickly end any awkwardness and take your undiagnosed spouse to safety.
___Come to think of it, the hidden vibrator trick might work here as well. Again, make sure that he remembers that it’s in there...
Greg's Personal Hygiene
___I don’t get it. He brushes and flosses his teeth several times a day but when he opens his mouth, it still looks like bats might fly out of there...
___Oh wait, I do get it: He hasn’t been to a dentist in a quarter of a century.
___This lack of dental hygiene is very interesting to me because he takes extra special care of his asshole. I am now going to give you some information that I am sure will help you solve a recent household mystery: You know those brown, star-like stains that you see on your towels since he has moved in? That stain is from when he places the towel over his index finger and inserts it into his anus to “dry” his asshole after he takes a shower.
Beautiful cream-colored towels are a pipe dream for you now sweetie. From this day forward, brown is the only color towel that you can reasonably buy.
___You might also have seen the wastebasket next to your toilet, filled to the brim with baby wipes sporting this same star-like stain. In this case he is wrapping his finger in a baby wipe know.
___I’ve done some research on this and I am sorry to say that they don’t sell brown baby wipes yet, but I have found that a wastebasket with a lid works well.
Greg's Fashion Style / Ability to Dress Himself
___Before we begin, a few basics: he can wash clothes, but he cannot iron. Do not believe him when he tells you that he can iron. He cannot. I have seen him running through the house with a flaming dress shirt and then watched as he tried to flush it down the toilet in order to put out the flames.

___Greg is unable to remember what brand and what size underwear he wears, so you will have to remember this for him. Not having this information memorized can cause you a lot of embarrassment, because at some point during your marriage, you will hear him calling out your name in the middle of a Walmart and when you are finally able to locate him, he will be tearfully holding a package of underpants in each hand while demanding that you pick out which ones to buy because he can’t remember what kind he wears.
___Try to refrain from grabbing him in the main aisle and yanking his pants down to his ankles so that he can look through his legs to see what the size/brand label previously resting right above his ass crack says. If you do decide to teach him a lesson this way, please be very careful. Unless a married female police officer responds to the incident call, this can be seen as assault and you could be arrested.

___For some reason, Greg prefers that his shirts be skin-tight, but his pants and shorts have to be several sizes too big. This sizing problem requires him to cinch his belt so tightly that it causes the waistband of his pants to bunch up and appear like random fabric tulips around his waist.
___Because he is terrified that his pants will slide down to his ankles, you won't be able to do anything about how tightly he wears his belt, so don’t waste your time.
___What you will be able to do something about, thanks to me, is his habit of hiking the waistband of his pants up to his ribcage. This weird habit causes his balls to be split by the center seam of his pants, the result of course, is that he has a man’s version of a camel toe on display.
___When you notice that he has done this, just remind him that he needs to immediately pull his waistband back down to his waist, otherwise he will be approached by couples that belong to The International Swinger’s Club and they will demand that the two of you to join them for group sex. His anxiety regarding anything about sex that is not done in the dark, in the missionary position and with his own wife, will cause him to adjust his pantaloons immediately.
___Hey, I’ve done some work for you here, and since my three kids still have to be seen with him in public from time to time, I’d really appreciate it if you kept up the story that displaying split-balls is a signal for desiring group sex with members of The International Swinger’s Club.
Greg's Food Preferences
___If you don’t cook for him, he will eat frozen pizzas and canned chili exclusively.
___He hates meat with bones. If you insist on serving him a chicken wing or a steak with a bone in it, I can guarantee that you will want to ram it down his throat before he’s done with his prissy attempts to keep from gagging as he tries not to touch a bone with his fingers, lips or teeth.
Greg's Cooking Skills
___Beyond boiling water or putting a frozen pizza in the oven, Greg has no cooking skills at all. What you need to know about your new husband in regard to cooking...
___Greg follows box directions exactly. I have seen him set a pizza on fire because it was supposed to be in the oven for thirty minutes and it never occurred to him to remove it when the oven started smoking. On the other hand, I have truly seen him, on multiple occasions, eat around the frozen center of a tray of lasagna because the package told him to put it in the oven for fifty minutes and he did, so it’s not his fault that part of it was still frozen.
Greg's Finances
___His finances are always a horrible mess. He frequently bounces checks because he can’t remember when monthly payments are scheduled to come through. He also forgets to pay his credit card and utility bills. And as for medical bills or other debts he doesn’t feel he should have to pay? Greg simply writes “deceased” on the envelope and sends it back to wherever it came from. As his legal spouse, have fun watching your credit score take a nosedive.
Greg's Cleaning Skills
___He loves to vacuum (your floors or your pool) and will keep at it for two hours straight if you let him. He says that it relaxes him. On the other hand, Greg can’t dust. Doesn’t even know how. He says that dusting is a waste of time.
___Greg will not make a bed or change the sheets. He also refuses to clean a toilet because this causes him to vomit.
___Greg can do laundry...if you like all your navy blue and black clothes to go in the same load as your white clothes.
___Greg can do dishes. Sort of.
___Greg won’t wash floors. He thinks it is stupid to do so.
Greg's Sexual Skills
___If you are using condoms, you will have to buy them because Greg is always too embarrassed to do so. However, don’t ever buy him colored condoms. Here’s why...
___When Greg withdraws, he never remembers that the condom that he put on two minutes ago was tinted, so he will become hysterical when he looks down at his penis and thinks that his semen is suddenly red or green.
___However, if you want to have some fun with this, you can gasp, point and then ask him, “Are you bleeding?” or “Is that an infection?” The frantic dance that he does trying to rip the condom off to inspect his penis is hysterical.

___Don’t ever whisper in his ear that there is someone in your closet watching you have sex. He won’t realize that this kind of fantasy talk is meant to be seductive and he will run screaming from the room, leaving you behind, on your own, to be ravaged by the imaginary Closet Stranger that he believes was peeping at the two of you having sex.

___Greg is repulsed by the look, scent and feel of his own semen. Because of this, he will require you to have a box of tissues next to your head during lovemaking so that he can easily grab a few and stuff them into your vagina as he withdraws so that his semen does not leak onto your bed and gross him out, possibly causing him to faint.
___The best part of this strange, post-climax ritual is that he uses lots of this tissue to wipe the semen off of his penis and then, when his penis starts to shrivel back up, the tissue naturally adheres to the wrinkles and he has to spend an hour picking it off in the bathroom before he can go back to bed. This means no post-coital snuggle fests for the two of you. At first this will hurt your feelings, but after a while, it will become one of the best parts of making love to him.

___You already know that Greg suffers from premature ejaculation, and I know how frustrating this is, especially when you are really into making love to him and he yells, “Freeze” and you have to freeze every cell in your body otherwise he blames you for ruining his orgasm. I hated this and someday I am sure that you will hate it too.
___So, for when that day comes, I am going to teach you a surefire passive-aggressive trick that will ruin everything for him and yet it won’t appear to be your fault...
___Keep up with your Kegel exercises and the next time he yells “Freeze” you absolutely freeze...on the outside. But just when you think he’s almost gained control of himself, you do one internal squeeze and he’ll lose it.
___While he’s flopping around on the bed like a dying fish, angry that this happened, you just lie there quietly and innocently. After all, you didn’t move an inch. In the aftermath of this evil trickery, you let him take the blame for ruining your orgasm.
Greg's Addictions
___He does drink. Quite a lot. Then he sleeps for twelve hours and wakes up cranky and pissing like a racehorse.
___Greg also thinks nothing of taking narcotic pain killers, anti-anxiety medications and sleep aids all at the same time. He usually washes them down with scotch. My advice?
___Take life insurance out on him as soon as possible.
Greg's Retirement Plan
___Other than waiting for your wealthy father to die and leave you money, there is no plan.
___My Dearest Susan,
___Thank you so very much for taking my ex-husband Greg off my hands. He is your problem now and I wish the two of you great happiness as you move forward in your new life together.
___Love Always,
We hope that you have enjoyed this
informative and personalized pamphlet from
Your Problem Now Publishing.

Again, our staff wishes you the very best of luck
with your new marriage!

But just in case... Remember to take notes...

You may be asked to contribute to the User’s Manual
for your husband’s third wife.
Sample Chapter -
"Your New Husband:
A User's Manual"
From A User's Manual For Your Ex-Husband's New Wife
by Josie Garrett
Buy on
See Josie's
Other Books