A “Movie Trailer” for People Who Read...
Essays Appearing in
The Your Problem Now Club:
Welcome to “The Your Problem Now Club": Josie decides to start a worldwide club for divorced women called “The Your Problem Now Club.” It is for women that are thrilled to hand off their ex-husbands to someone else.
Your New Husband: An Owner’s Manual: “The Your Problem Now Club” is devoted to humanitarian efforts such as having members write Owner’s Manuals for their ex-husbands’ new wives. In the spirit of leadership, Josie writes the very first Owner’s Manual for her ex-husband’s new wife.
‘Til Midlife Crisis Do Us Part: Greg’s Midlife Crisis allows Josie to escape a very unhappy marriage.
Could I Actually Be A Single Parent: Trying to determine the pros and cons of getting a divorce, Josie makes a list of all the things that Greg was responsible for as a parent compared to her duties as a parent. This list becomes her key to freedom!
What to Expect When You’re Divorcing: People change when you get a divorce. Josie tells readers what they can expect from family, friends and neighbors.
Divorce Lawyers: Josie’s carefully chosen divorce lawyer shows up for court in a neon orange bandage dress AND bejeweled rubber flip-flops. Josie fires her when she recommends that Josie accept the absurd divorce settlement offered by her ex.
Naked and Stupid: Josie continues to live by her number one rule in life: She never makes love to a man that is smarter than she is.
The R.O.M.E.O. Brigade: Rich Old Men Eating Out. Josie learns of a subgroup of desirable customers that everyone wants to date and when one of these men sets his sights on Josie, she learns that some people are not what they first appear to be.
We Have a Pope: Greg and his friend Carlo try to grill a whole turkey on the Fourth of July. Stupidity ensues...
Grifters: If Josie doesn’t like police officers, why is she having dreams about one?
Post Divorce Guide to Apartment Living: Life advice from Josie... Try very hard not to ever live in an apartment. The end.
Small Kingdoms: When her daughter gets a job at a small business, Josie recalls all the megalomaniac bosses she’s ever had.
I’m Not Going to Be In Today: The top reasons Josie’s waitresses called off work include these top hits:
“My mom and dad left the country and didn’t tell me.”
“I had wild sex last night and now it hurts to walk.”
“I have diarrhea.”
Socks for Celebrities: Josie thinks all feet are disgusting so her million-dollar idea is to create a sticker book of socks to place over the feet of famous people that appear in magazines.
The Bolt: Josie attends a college graduation party and is allowed to inspect a man’s penis to determine if he really does have a bolt through the shaft.
Against the Laws of Nature: Josie’s friend Diana wants to tell her everything about her new lover and Josie’s all ears until she learns the guy is thirty years younger than Diana.
Rules of Engagement: Josie’s set of rules that protect women who insist on being the mistresses of married men.
The Stepford Virus: Josie believes that women like to cook for their husbands because nature has equipped the male ejaculate with a pathogen that she calls THE STEPFORD VIRUS.
What We Stand On: Josie goes to a Civil War Reenactment and is traumatized by a man that is rubbing his nasty bare feet in the grass. In front of children no less!
You’ve Got to Be Kidding: Twenty-five years after they broke up, Josie spends some time with her long-ago love James (from Naked and Stupid). When meeting him, her children are shocked that he is the exact opposite of their dad.
The Rise of the Don: Josie threatens to follow her daughter to a frat party with Polka Music blaring from the windows of her car if Abby dares to walk to an off-campus party after midnight.
Gorillas in the Zoo: When Josie is pitied by a Gorilla because of her ex-husband’s childish behavior, she realizes that her divorce was best for everyone.
You’re Welcome: Josie’s daughter, after watching a film depicting an abusive stepfather, genuinely thanks her mother for never putting them through that.
Hello Celibacy: Josie balks at having an IUD put in and decides that becoming celibate is the solution to the problem of needy men.
Boogers on the Wall: Was your ex-husband really as bad as you remember? Josie gets to find out when her ex-husband moves in with her and the kids because of an “illness.”
At Least You’re Not Me: Josie’s friend thinks Josie can make some money by developing a pay per view website called AT LEAST YOU’RE NOT ME.
Why My Husband May Have Wanted A Divorce: Nine reasons that Greg may have wanted to divorce Josie...
Reason number two: I thought Greg was stupid. And after about five years of marriage, I stopped trying to hide my opinion regarding this.
The Birds: Josie’s father says that Josie and her brother Benny cannot watch Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds.” What happens when they disobey him and then need his help in the middle of the night when something is moving under their bunk beds?